Seven Things You Should Never Say On A Company Website

Remember when George Carlin so famously reeled off the seven words you can’t say on television? He called them “the heavy seven”, the nasty words “that will infect your soul, curve your spine and keep the country from winning the war.”

Well, since countries are again at war and souls are just as endangered as ever, I’d like to do a riff on George’s list, this time bringing it into the Internet age. With a nod to Mr. Carlin, here is my list of the heavy seven phrases you should never use on your company website:

1. Second to none. This phrase is second to none in the vacuous cliché category. It’s worn out and says “next to nothing”.
2. One-stop shop. An expression borrowed from convenience stores and where it should have stayed.
3. We are proud of our ___. Whatever you’re proud of, it doesn’t matter one iota to your prospective customers. They just want to know your stuff works, that it can help them solve a problem or make their life better. Give ‘em proof, not pride.
4. Welcome. A word that should be restricted to door mats and stuffy maitre d’s. The biggest problem with “Welcome” on a website is that it always appears where your scintillating heading should go. A waste of valuable real estate.
5. Limited time offer, act now. You should only use this expression when it’s actually true, and usually it isn’t. What if I order your gadget “now” to get the offer and find the deal is still being plugged on your site next month? You tricked me into buying, a mistake I won’t make again.
6. Outside the box. It was clever the first time around. It was even kind of cute when Taco Bell started “thinking outside the bun”. But now if you boast about thinking outside the box, it’s pretty clear you aren’t.
7. Solution. It has something to do with computer software. Or is it hardware? Or a mixture in chemistry? Oh wait, maybe it’s the answer to a math problem? Vague words elicit vague responses – not the best outcome for a company website.
   

Deploy This

Any term that reeks of insider jargon should be used with extreme caution and restraint -- turnkey, scalable, deploy, etc. Even in B2B marketing where your web copy is supposedly addressing a savvy, insider audience, why place that cognitive load on the reader? Wouldn’t it be a faster, more pleasant read without the gobbledygook? And the bonus is that anyone (a journalist, non-techy manager, curious relative) who lands on your site for any reason will get it.

David Meerman Scott, who wrote The Gobbledygook Manifesto, said, “Many people never get off their butt and get out into the marketplace to learn how people really talk so they end up using the language of their own R&D labs, CEOs, and the jargon used in conference rooms and internal meetings.”

And that is why “the heavy seven” listed above continue to enjoy such mass appeal. But there’s hope. The world clearly is hankering for some new clichés to replace the anemic old ones. So next time you’re tempted to insert a “solution” or a “second to none” in your writing, think of George Carlin’s wonderful, original brain and make up your own clichés. It’s fun that won’t infect your soul or curve your spine.